Heartstrings

I saw the ring today after a long time.

I stared at it unblinkingly as various conflicting emotions flooded my senses simultaneously. A heaviness descended, settling gently in my heart and leaving me short of breath even as the world around me continued to function as usual. I could hear the tunes playing in my head again once more, the song I’d not heard in years. Slowly, as I stared at the gold ring, the present crumbled and the past peeked through.

#

“In whose name shall I bill it?” the jeweller asked.

“Mine… I mean, Roshan.” I stared at the ring. To anyone else, it was probably your run-of-the-mill gold ring. For me, it represented a year of pocket money saved, of skipped meals and giving up on buying the books I needed. The letters “M.R.” were inscribed on the ring.

Malini. What can I tell you about her? We’d known each other for years. It had started with being stuck in the same course. I thought she was snooty. She thought I was standoffish. In time, we realised we were wrong. The truth was, we were both naughty as mice. We became thick as thieves as our course progressed. As the years passed and life threw various hurdles our way, we learned to watch out for each other. I could count on her to wake me up at 3 am to study during my exams just as she could count on me to stand up for her if anyone badmouthed her. There was no bunking class without her, no Coffee Day trips at odd hours without her in tow eating my head to play her favourite song on the jukebox. In short, we were the best of friends.

When did I fall in love? I don’t know. It’s hard to define the exact moment really… sometimes, you just realise that the person you’ve been walking beside all these years suddenly looks different – more beautiful, more radiant. You find yourself missing her jokes, her voice… Suddenly, you find yourself realising that, you really don’t want to be without her ever again. You can envision what life is going to be like, the two of you together – the dream house, the pets, the holiday trips and the romance – and it feels just right. I guess, that’s how it was with us too. One fine day, I woke up and realised that the dream girl I was looking for all these days had been right beside me all along… I just had never realised it.

The recent exams had been our last. And while we’d gone our separate ways, we’d be returning back for our internship together soon. We’d kept in touch via the phone over the month, but it just wasn’t the same. And the more I thought of it, I knew what I had to do.

As luck would have it, we both cleared our exams. She topped. I came second. Hah!! Whoever said bunkers and backbenchers don’t win. We’re the best examples of how big a lie that is. As part of the celebrations, we decided to have an afternoon out for ourselves the coming Sunday. Just me and her – and a heart dying to reveal itself.

“Roshan. Yoohoo, Earth calling Roshan.”

I looked up. She looked beautiful. Her eyes… how had I never noticed how beautiful they were before… all these years? And the way she half-smiled, even when she was lost in her own thoughts…

“Ya, M. I’m right here. I was just thinking of something.” The ring in my pocket weighed a million pounds as did my heart. Everything had gone great till now. The movie, shopping and now finally, back to our sacred haunt, the Coffee Day.

“M?”

“Hmm.” That slight lift of the eyebrow.

“I need to tell you something serious.”

“Rosh, there’s something I need to tell you too.” Suddenly, I noticed the uncertainty in her voice too. Suddenly, there was an awkwardness in her that I’d never seen in years.

“Sure, you go first.”

“I don’t know how you’ll take it. This last month after the exams, being at home, away from… well, it made me realise something. I guess… Shit, I don’t even know what to say, yaa.”

“It’s me, M. You can say anything you want.”

“That’s just it, Rosh. It’s sometimes so difficult to say these things to the people who matter the most. Rosh, do you know how you can spend your whole lifetime being with a guy and suddenly, one morning, everything is different. You find yourself looking at that guy differently, noticing things about him you’d not seen before. Suddenly… you want to be with him more and more. You miss him when he leaves, you wait to hear from him again. You know.”

I nodded, fighting to keep my expressions under control, my heart beating wildly within.

“This past month being away… something changed for me, Rosh. I don’t know how you’ll take it or how it’ll affect what we share, but I need to tell you… I’ve been wanting to tell you ever since we met today.”

My fingers were numb as I heard the echo of my own heart through the blood pounding in my ears. Suddenly, I could see the love in her eyes and I knew in that moment that we were meant to be. Destiny had brought us together from different parts of the country, landing us in the same college, pitting us against heart-breaks and group studies, across cultural dances and go-karting races to this moment – when we realised how incomplete we were without each other.

I forced myself to let it play its course. I held her hand on the table. It was shivering. “What is it, M? You and I, we’ve been through so much. Trust in me to understand whatever you have to say.”

She looked into my eyes for a hint. She must have found what she was looking for, because moments later, she smiled, a smile I’ll always remember till the day I have to leave this world for another. I can see it even now when I close my eyes – a moment frozen in time in the memory book of my heart.

“Roshan, I’m in love with Rahul. We’re going to get married.”

To my credit, I never flinched.

I listened to her as she told me of the long conversations she had with Rahul, our batchmate, during the holidays; the net-chats, the proposal, the meeting of the families. The wedding date. And God help me, I didn’t betray myself to her, not for a second. I laughed at the right moments, consoled her as she spoke of the fears she had telling her parents and cooed like old times as she giggled her way to the end of the story. Even the watering eyes at that moment seemed so appropriate; a friend overjoyed for his best friend’s happiness.

And when it was all over, she waited for me. “Your turn. You had something to say?”

I looked at her. This was M. I couldn’t lie to her. She’d see through me immediately. We didn’t do the ‘Oh-never-mind-forget-it’ routine. That wasn’t us. But what could I say to her ? After this…

Two small hands enveloped my own. I looked up at her. That smile… never meant to be mine. “Come on, Rosh. Trust in me to understand what you have to say.”

I looked at her, this girl I loved. I saw in her eyes the love that shone and all that we’d shared together. I saw my heart and hers too and what we both stood to gain… and lose. And suddenly, everything seemed so simple.

I withdrew my hands from hers, reached into my pockets. Took out the little box and placed it in front of her. I opened the cover, revealing the ring with “M and R” forming two sides of the heart.

She looked at it. Her mouth gaped, then she looked at me in puzzlement.

This was my moment.

“I knew about you and Rahul, M. Do you really think you can keep anything from me? Come on, yaar. I had this made to give to you two as a present on your engagement, but… well, I guess, this is as good a time as any.”

It was the turn of her eyes to water. She held my hand, squeezed hard.

“Oh, Roshan… I love you.”

I’d like to think my voice didn’t crack as I revealed my heart that day. “I…I love you too, M.”

She wiped away her tears. “Gosh! Look at us. People are staring at us! Plus this ring; they’ll think you proposed to me or something! These guys in the cafe must be expecting us to hug and kiss now.”

“Perverted rascals… Pur-vur-ted raaas-kals. Chee Chee.” I said, accentuating the South in my dialect. She giggled at the impression of our Sir.

“I know. Pur-vur-ted raaas-kals. Heehee. C’mon, Rosh. Let’s pay the bill and get out of here. Rahul’s birthday’s coming up and I need your help getting him a gift. Break’s over. It’s shoppeee time again.”

Picking up our shopping bags, we left the coffee shop, two hearts in love… one heart freed over a cup of coffee, another destined to be hidden for ever.

#

4 years have passed since that day. Seeing the pictures of Rahul and Malini on Facebook as they share their third wedding anniversary leaves me with a genuine smile. In her happiness, I find it easier to sleep at night. Because that was what I’d always wanted – for her to be happy.

As for the familiar ring tied around the neck of their little girl, Deepika, well, it’s right where it belongs.

With someone who will love her unconditionally.

*****
Author: Roshan R
Blog: Godyears
Twitter: @pythoroshan